A Resilience Project
A Resilience Project
95: Taryn Nergaard - Naturally Resilient...Neurodiversity
A diagnosis can change everything. For Taryn Nergaard, hers was the missing piece to her lifelong story of struggle and resilience.
After being diagnosed with ADHD and autism later in life, Taryn felt like she could finally stop wearing the masks she’d always hidden behind and begin a new journey toward authenticity, self-compassion, and peace.
Driven by a deep passion for helping people thrive, Taryn is now a certified trauma-informed personal development and soul care coach for neurodivergent women, supporting them in rediscovering their needs, desires, and goals for their well-being.
A wife and mother of four, Taryn also enjoys a good cup of coffee or chai, reading, watching TV, and diving into one of her special interests. The best place to connect with her is on Instagram: @tarynnergaard.
Cindy Thompson - A Resilience Project Podcast
Building Resilience Among Humans One Conversation At A Time
EP95: Taryn Nergaard – Naturally Resilient…. Neurodiversity
Cindy Thompson: Hello, friends. I am Cindy Thompson, and this is ‘A Resilience Project.’ This is a space where stories are shared and possibilities are discovered. I invite you to partner with me in cultivating resilience among hu How many different masks do you wear? What do I mean by that? Many of us have a mask or persona that helps us to fit in or meet the perceived expectations of others.
Cindy Thompson: You might have a mask at work that disguises moments of self-doubt. How about when you meet up with friends? You may have a mask you wear when you spend time with people you have only known for a short time.
This week's guest is a wife, mother of 4, writer, coach, and so much more.
Recently diagnosed with ADHD and autism, Taryn Nergaard identifies with the archetype of Neurodiversity. Having lived most of her life feeling like she was different from her peers or that something was wrong with her, she suggests learning about her Neurodiversity as an adult has been validating.
Having a medical professional put a name to what you have been living with for years means you are not alone and allows a person to feel truly seen. It can connect the dots, fill in the blanks and shed a greater understanding of one's lived experiences. Taryn suggests she is naturally resilient and has been honing her adaptive skills most of her life.
Over the course of my career I have met several adults who are discovering they are neurodivergent and perhaps for the first time feel understood.
If you are learning to honour your strengths, explore the parts you have yet to understand and are tired of trying to fit in, this episode is for you. We are celebrating our differences, recognizing our commonalities and here to walk one another home.
Here is my conversation with Taryn….
Cindy Thompson: Taryn, I am so grateful that you're here on "A Resilience Project" with me today, and I'm excited about this conversation.
Taryn Nergaard: Thank you for having me. I'm excited too.
Cindy Thompson: I'd like to draw out that we first met when I was starting this podcast and you helped us immensely with the website, with getting going, what we needed to consider, getting some systems in place for our team. I feel like you are part of our podcasting story, so I'd like to just play that out for the listeners so they know that you were very instrumental in helping us get going.
Taryn Nergaard: Oh, thank you. It was a lot of fun to be a part of that and get to see it right from the beginning.
Cindy Thompson: You have been on a journey of learning a lot about yourself. I love that, because I feel like we shouldn't stop learning and leaning into those scratchy parts that might want us to pay attention to something more that we haven't understood about ourselves.
Before we dive into neurodiversity, understanding more about how autism now plays a role in your life, can we start with painting a picture for our listeners about what your early years were like growing up, and how that might have also contributed to your resilience practices?
Taryn Nergaard: Yeah, absolutely. Now I have the gift of hindsight, but as a child, I think I always knew that I didn't really fit in. I always felt a little out of place. I fit in everywhere and nowhere. I could just blend in. I could find something to connect with someone, but it didn't come naturally to me. There was always just interactions even with close friends that I would walk away from: someone was mad at me or I did something wrong and I'm in trouble and, I don't know what I did. I have no idea.
I think I learned in my home with having anxiety and depression and generational trauma within my family tree, there were just a lot of things we didn't talk about, but we're just always there, hovering. I always felt a little different just as a person and in my family as a single mother home. It just required that I learned to be more self-aware, just so I could fit. Trying to learn from these experiences. Okay, so why is that friend mad at me? What exactly did I do wrong? What did I get in trouble with for my mom? I was a very reflective child so I could be social. But at the same time I was very quiet, very observant, would listen, take it all in.
That is really how I navigated a world that didn't quite feel safe to me. In hindsight I realize now that a lot of that has to do with my neurodivergence, but I'm still having to almost keep myself from trying to untangle what is trauma, what is neurodivergence, what is some of these mental health issues that were just so prevalent in my home and in my larger family unit.
I might not know what caused what where but that upbringing really required that I become very self-reflective and also very aware of the people around me. I would say to this day, I still struggle with hypervigilance. I can sense an energy in a room, I can tell if people are off or angry. I know if a couple's fighting across a gymnasium or across a restaurant. I can pick up on all of that. Whether that's trauma or just a little bit of a, rocky home life or my neurodivergent gifts, I'm not sure.
I learned at an early age to be very curious about what was going on in the world and what was going on inside of me. That has been a gift in a lot of ways. I think that has really helped me, not to be dramatic, but survive, really. I did struggle with suicidal ideation, even as a young child. I didn't understand, because again, who talks about that? I think being curious about myself and about the world was really something that has served me quite well.
Cindy Thompson: Hmm, I hear that of the two minds. On one hand, it's like you had to keep wearing this mask and to be somebody you thought people needed you to be, which didn't allow you just to be Taryn. And to honor all your gifts and who you naturally were developing into. On the other hand, our brains are so fascinating in how it gives us the gift of survival.
Taryn Nergaard: Mm-hmm.
Cindy Thompson: So, I hear it of those two minds that it served you well and maybe even continues to serve you as a way of protecting you, but you're trying to unravel all those threads, in a way, from one big ball.
Taryn Nergaard: Yeah, I think it would be easy to get stressed out trying to untangle that entire ball. But to just be compassionate with myself about where there is a thread that I can pull on that really serves me and helps me to grow versus trying to pull those threads either for protection or because I have such a deep need to understand the world. While that is a gift, at times it can be debilitating if I can't move forward and I can't do anything because my mind is still struggling to understand something.
I have really had to learn when to set that aside and just be, instead of being in my head constantly trying to figure out all the answers to all the things because that's my natural default for sure.
Cindy Thompson: I could imagine that would be quite consuming. There's that sweet spot of understanding ourselves and be reflective, but at the same time, life is busy and you have a lot going on that you need to be involved with day to day. That maybe setting aside time to be reflective and understand Taryn through that past experience, but also letting that inform you today.
Taryn Nergaard: Yeah, absolutely.
Cindy Thompson: Let's fast forward. As you were growing up, I can hear amazing gifts and creativity of watching, learning to observe and to use that as a protective measure. How did it also serve you in developing relationships there?
Taryn Nergaard: I touched on that ability to fit everywhere and nowhere. Middle school years are rocky. They're just hard. I'm not really sure what was going on there, but by high school I had developed a couple really key friendships and that was really good. Those were my anchor, but at the same time, I just floated, I had so many different friend groups. You could find me with different groups of people on lunch break or something like that.
But I wouldn't say I was ever super close or vulnerable with people. That has always been difficult for me. The close friends that I had, it was, yeah, we can watch movies and have sleepovers and eat chips and dip and those are some core memories for me. But I don't know that we really had real closeness emotionally.
Whether I'm emotionally guarded or what that serves and what reason that kind of happened. Whether that's all teenagers, I'm not sure. But I had a really good friend group in high school that I found really helpful. And I think it's more been in adult years when it's so much harder to make friends. That has really been a challenge for me.
I did meet my husband young. We got married when I was 20, so I met him when I was 19 and so he is definitely my closest friend and has been, and I would say someone that I rely on quite heavily in my life and the person that I actually can be vulnerable around. And he's definitely been my person and that can make it difficult, understanding now what that vulnerability looks like in a relationship. To know that I'd like that in other relationships, but it is difficult.
There's a little bit of pain in trying to develop relationships when I now understand what that depth is and I just desire that so much. And not everybody wants that, and not everybody can connect with me that way.
I've heard it said that you'll know your type when you feel like you wanna throw the book across the room and that's almost literally what I did. I kept myself from throwing the book across the room because I thought, there is no way that this is me, but why is it poking at those places in me?
That really helped me to see that other people saw me in a way that, whether true or not, we all have different perspectives. It actually gave me a greater sense of understanding and peace about who I was. And that really helped me overcome some of those relational barriers, realizing that different people have different personalities. We see the world differently. We need different things. We're afraid of different things. We desire different things. And logically we know that.
But the Enneagram gave me a framework that made sense to me, and maybe that comes naturally to some people, but it didn't to me. That became this framework that allowed me to have a lot of grace for myself and grace for other people. It also became a special interest and something that I could use in conversation, which is always really helpful for me.
As a kid growing up, I felt very sort of floaty, flitting from group to group and never really fitting in. Whereas, now, I'm starting to find those places where I can actually be myself and I can start to fit and a couple of my closest friends don't live locally to me. But that's the amazing thing about the internet is getting to connect us no matter where we are.
Learning the gift of vulnerability. That hasn't come naturally to me and I don't think that comes naturally to a lot of people either. But that has been a gift for sure.
Yeah, I am an Enneagram type five. So, the investigator.
Cindy Thompson: Could you tell people, I know that not everybody knows about the Enneagram, and I think it's helpful to understand the benefits that this can bring for people. You really spelled it out beautifully, Taryn, in that, knowing that somebody gets us, we may not have it put in such clarity as when we read about ourselves. Not just the really cool parts, but the hard parts and where we struggle in relationships or communication. Tell us about the 'five' and what that means to you.
Taryn Nergaard: It's interesting, because as I've learned that I am autistic, I've distanced myself a little bit from the Enneagram because I've realized that, in a sense, it led me to my autism diagnosis, but it also may have prevented me from recognizing some things about myself. Just the ability to see connections, I think things through, I gather information, I live in my head. That's where I am most comfortable always.
The type five tends to think more than they feel or they act. I am a deeply empathetic person and most type five s are. We just carry those things really deep. We might not be emotionally expressive people, so we feel but we don't express that as easily. It's not quite as safe for us.
We do tend to carry a lot of fear just navigating the world and that for me, as a type five, the way that we combat that fear is by taking in that information. We can be known for having walls around us. I tend to turtle away in stressful situations or if I'm feeling overwhelmed.
A lot of these things that I'm saying also relate to autism. So not everyone who's a type five is going to be autistic, but there are definitely some overlapping neurodivergence and personality traits for sure.
But it just gave me an understanding that I might not be the feeler, the person who is going to help others or the fun, the spontaneous one, or the one who's really gonna draw people together in relationships. No type is better than another type. We need all types of people and it's complimentary and it has gifts and it has challenges.
That's really what made me love the Enneagram because even though it can lean towards some negative traits when you're first trying to figure out who you are in that particular personality system, it just gives you a greater sense of yourself and a compassion towards those parts of yourself that you already know are there and you already know are true. But it gives you this lens of knowing like it's okay, it's okay to be you. It's okay to have these challenges and with those challenges comes unique strengths from that. That's where I've really learned to grow from understanding the Enneagram.
Cindy Thompson: There's so much richness in understanding ourselves first, so that we can create greater connections with people. I can hear the journey you've been on in understanding you and understanding what makes you tick. And have maybe somebody put that into words has been validating, but scary at the same time.
Even within that description, I can hear your desire for connection and yet the walls prevent you from naturally reaching out and letting people in. I can hear the dichotomy in that. Yeah. Taryn, you meet your husband and have a family. Tell us about your family now.
Taryn Nergaard: We got married when I was 20. We had my oldest daughter when I was 22, she is now 13. I have a 13 year old daughter, a 11 year old daughter, a nine-year-old daughter, and a six-year-old son. I have four kids. It is a house full, but it's great.
Cindy Thompson: You have been diving into autism when you had your daughter assessed. Would you mind sharing a little bit about that and what you saw in her that led you to get that assessment?
Taryn Nergaard: With my second oldest, it was ADHD traits that I noticed in her. I homeschool all four of the kids and it means that I can really cater their learning and their environment to what their needs are. I didn't seek out a diagnosis or anything at the time because we really could make accommodations for her. Just in our home. That's what she needed at the time.
Fast forward a couple of years and those accommodations worked so well that the actual schooling portion of our lives and her life especially, was going so much better. But we were starting to see just some different issues with focusing, some social challenges as well. Things outside of the actual learning environment were becoming more noticeable.
And as I was diving in to specifically what does ADHD look like in girls, because the stereotypical view of ADHD is very much the hyperactive boy in the classroom, and that is not my daughter. She is definitely more inattentive. She's not running around. She can easily sit, but she'll zone out a lot. She does like to have some quiet time to herself. She needs to reset, but she does have a difficult time following step by step instructions, daily responsibilities are a challenge. She needs a lot of reminders.
When I figured out that looks like her, this is what I'm reading, but that also looks like me. I have some of these same traits. That's really interesting. The more that I dug into ADHD and girls, the more things that popped up with autism in girls.
I have a history of working with children with autism. Even from middle school, I would take the classes where it got you in the resource rooms and had you tutoring and helping. all through middle school and high school whether that was in a class or whether that was just on my lunch break, I went and hung out with the kids who didn't have friends.
It was just natural to me to find those people who were the underdog or the "odd one out" as my family would say and spend a lot of time there, but I never thought that I was one of them, and not to "other" those people. I didn't really fit in anywhere so I could go anywhere.
I knew, I thought, what autism looked like and as I started reading more about it and hearing just on social media, different experiences of women with autism, it was really mind blowing actually to realize how these different parts of myself, that I had some sensory sensitivities.
I read something that basically said, " I can make eye contact." That's the first thing you think of. People with autism they don't make eye contact. I clearly remember learning that you're supposed to make eye contact. Ever since then I've made eye contact. It's not so much that I feel like I struggle with eye contact, it's that I learned that I needed to do it and therefore I do it.
That's a lot of different pieces of my life, is that I learned something and I do it, rather than it comes naturally to me. Even if it's uncomfortable or exhausting for me, I will do what I've learned is appropriate to do. That was enlightening to say the least.
I went to my doctor just to figure some things out for my daughter and he asked about family history and I said, " I suspect that I have ADHD and autism." I just started crying. Doctors do make me quite anxious, so I struggle with a lot of medical anxiety.
"Why are you crying?"
" I just don't wanna tell you all this and then not have you believe me."
"I believe you 1000%. Wait, no, that's not a number. I believe you 100%. And I would like to help."
He had me come back into the office the following week and do a full mental health assessment. He said my ADHD was borderline. The assessments that they give you are not really as thorough as they need to be. And autism and ADHD can counteract each other in some ways. Some of my autism makes up for some of my ADHD qualities and vice versa. We ended the appointment and I said, "So, what about the autism?" He's like, "You're just autistic." It shocked me at just how good that felt, just to be affirmed in that.
Since then we've gone through the process of diagnosing my daughter with ADHD and we're not pursuing an autism diagnosis at this point. It's there, I believe. But there's not supports necessarily for her to access. What we can do is continue to make accommodations for her. And I'm learning, hey, the accommodations I need and that I've put in place in my life would probably be helpful for her. As I learn more about myself, I'm starting to trickle that down into her experience just to see what's helpful for her.
It's so common for especially women, there's fathers out there as well, who discover that they are neurodivergent because their kids were diagnosed and they realize, wait, I'm a lot like that child. Sad, a little bit, that it's taking a lot of us many years to discover that we have these disabilities, but at the same time, really encouraging that the knowledge and stories are finally out there to actually help us see ourselves in those places because especially for women, there really has not been a place for women with ADHD and autism. It's been a boy or a man thing, and our experience has been hidden. I love being able to now follow people who are neurodivergent and learn from their stories as well. The more we can do that, I think the more people are going to be helped. I wanna get rid of some of those stereotypes.
Cindy Thompson: What a great mission. What I'm hearing in that, Taryn, is the complexity and need to be understood, to be included, to have people be curious and take the time to want to understand you. I think it's one of the Enneagram books that says, "Please understand me." And this seems very relevant here in helping people understand what it is that might be part of you. It's not all of you though. To see Taryn for Taryn, but with that understanding that you bring some gifts with this too. They bring different strikes for you, but just from your experience or from what you're learning, what do you think the biggest challenge is?
Taryn Nergaard: Yeah, I think when we don't have the knowledge, we automatically think we're the problem. When we can't keep up with other families, we can't do the same things, we don't have the same energy or the same drive for certain things, it can feel like you're failing.
As a mother, first of all, as a woman who is in business or in a professional setting, why can't I keep up? Why am I not getting these promotions? Why am I not succeeding the way other people are? I think we immediately go to this place of shame and thinking that the problem must be me.
And understanding that I'm neurodivergent, it gives me the understanding that I'm not the problem. The systems are actually the problem. And when we understand the neurodiversity in the population, that there are so many different brains, so many different ways of learning. If we can start to actually live in a culture that deeply understands that and makes accommodations for that, then we all get to fit and we all get to succeed. And none of us have to lay in bed at night going, I'm the one who's failed here. I'm the problem. And not know how to fix it either.
For me, being someone who's so self-aware, when I discovered that I was autistic, I realized that I had curated my life to accommodate for my challenges and so many women don't naturally do that. I think part of that comes back to my personality of, I'm okay to be a little more isolated. I'm okay to be the one who doesn't really fit in. I'm okay to go against the status quo. That has served me in some ways. In other ways it hasn't, but it has served me in some ways because I think when we have all of these expectations of what a woman should be, of what a mother should be, of what our family should look like, and we don't measure up to that standard, it can be debilitating.
I see so many women who are so overwhelmed and burnt out and struggling and don't know that they need accommodations, or if even if they do know, they don't feel like they can access those or ask for them. It's really to me something that's empowering when you understand that you actually can ask for what you need and to have the agency in your life to realize my life doesn't have to look like somebody else's, and that's okay. And there's nothing wrong with me. But my life needs to look different if I'm going to thrive.
I just see a lot of women not thriving because they have put themselves in these roles and expectations that are not a good fit for them, and they're going against their wiring instead of living within their wiring where they can actually thrive and live a life that is really life giving for them rather than draining.
Cindy Thompson: Mm-hmm. So well said. We're often, as women, comparing anyway. And to add those extra layers in of feeling like we should be ______. Fill that in with anything and it just erodes our sense of confidence, our sense of clarity, of where we're going and what works for us and our family.
I appreciate that you brought that up because I wondered also, how could employers be more mindful of this? Because there might be a fear if they learn early on that someone may be neurodiverse, they may not hire them, they may not give them a chance, and yet there's so many gifts that can come with the skills and the quality and the concentration, for example, that people might bring.
What would you want employers to know that they could do better?
Taryn Nergaard: Yeah. First of all, that you might have neurodivergent people working for you that you don't know, because unfortunately, they might not know themselves. It also isn't safe always to communicate your disability, right? Because like you said, you might not get hired. You might be passed up for promotions.
To understand whether someone is openly neurodivergent or not, we all need different things. To actually have open dialogue with the people you're working with about what is working for them and what is not, whether that is the office layout or the way that communication is handled. I haven't worked in a actual employee setting in years. I call myself unemployable because I'm an entrepreneur, and I realize now that I think I didn't realize how much I struggled in those spaces. Whether it was the hours that I had to work, or the environments being overwhelming, or the unhealthy communication.
I think having the open dialogue with your employees, whether you know they're neurodivergent or not, this should be happening for anyone. But what are people's communication style? How do they communicate best? How do they learn best? What types of expectations, or how do you communicate expectations?
People who are autistic, especially, we wanna have things pretty clearly laid out. We don't wanna guess. So things written down, clearly laid out, these are the expectations, these are the things that need to happen.
Knowing ahead of time what's going to be communicated in a meeting is huge. Coming into a meeting with a smile on your face and high energy and making eye contact, all of that takes so much energy. To not know what you're going into can cause so much fear and anxiety and sensory overwhelm and be really exhausting. But to know, I had a boss that actually said, "We have a meeting at this time. This is what it's about." That would go a long way in being able to feel safe in your working environment.
The other thing I would mention is, we have this idea of what's fair, and giving someone different hours or a private office instead of an open office space, that doesn't feel fair. It also doesn't feel fair to be a neurodivergent person stuck in an office space that completely makes them feel overwhelmed and unsafe. You're not getting the best work out of that person. You have to be willing to make accommodations, even if that upsets people who don't need accommodations.
I think we're still a long way away from that being something that's considered normal in our culture, unfortunately. But to see employers really have better communication with people about what would make them feel safe and thrive in their jobs would be incredible.
Cindy Thompson: Hmm, so many gems there. It's reminding me about the importance of safety and trust in communication in our workplace. I'm really glad that we're having more and more conversations about inclusion and diversity in the workplace. It means getting informed, not only as an employer, but also creating a safe place for people to be able to say, "I am neurodivergent, or I'm on the autism spectrum, but yet, here's what I bring. If you can make some allowances and accommodations, man, you're gonna get some gems outta me. You're gonna get some sweet work." But it's that conversation that needs to happen.
I know that we're a long ways from that, but I'm hoping in smaller ways maybe even through this conversation creating awareness to leave it open for that possibility for people to feel safe to share that.
Taryn Nergaard: Yeah, absolutely. I think there's a lot of work we can do just in the little spaces that we are in. And all those little things add up.
Cindy Thompson: Is there anything that people don't know about you, Taryn, that would surprise them?
Taryn Nergaard: Hmm. I've touched on the one, and that is that I am actually a very deep feeler. I have had some fairly hurtful things said about me, about being heartless and uncaring and unfeeling. And I feel very deeply. I pick up on people's emotions quite easily and I, get emotionally overwhelmed quite easily.
That often surprises people because I can be a little unexpressive. I remember, speaking of workplaces, actually it was my first job, and the owner pulled me aside and he said, "Do you like working here?" And I was like, "Yeah." He's like, "Then you should tell your face."
Cindy Thompson: Oh dear.
Taryn Nergaard: It's like, okay, so like I learned, so you put on a smile and you just smile everywhere. I realized what's going on below the surface isn't always what you're seeing on the outside. That usually surprises people.
One thing I love is music. Most people don't know that side of me. I don't play any instruments anymore. I did play the trumpet. But music is a big part of my life and it has been since I was a child. Music for me is putting on my headphones, listening to something, either to help me actually access my emotions. So, I will use music to feel my way through something. Or, just to make me feel a different way. I use music as a way to help with sensory issues. If I'm feeling overstimulated, it really calms me, but it also allows me to access some deeper emotions.
Especially when I write I can't write with music with lyrics, but instrumental music. I will almost always write with music on, because music allows me to access different parts of myself and deeper parts of myself. That's something most people don't really get a chance to know about me.
Cindy Thompson: What's your go-to music that helps you access your emotions?
Taryn Nergaard: I am a big fan of all kinds of music. I go through different phases. Right now a big thing is something called 8D audio. Essentially you have to listen to it with headphones on. The way that it's mixed is so that it goes from one ear to the other, and so it feels immersive and for people who are neurodivergent, it just gives you like the most calming sensation ever. If I'm doing design work, then I'm listening to something with lyrics that's really energizing. But it's still that 8D audio. If I'm writing, I found an 8D audio instrumental playlist.
I enjoy classical. I enjoy jazz. I enjoy rap. I don't listen to heavy metal as much anymore. Used to. I've gotten into some blues lately. Pretty much anything. I'm just not a big fan of country. Country is the only kind of music I don't enjoy. It cycles through whatever mood I'm in or what mood I want to be in. I have a broad range of musical genres that I love.
Cindy Thompson: Would it be fair to say that's one of your resilience practices?
Taryn Nergaard: Absolutely. Yeah, I still remember my first Walkman. For those who don't know, that requires a cassette tape. I had a boombox in my room. Then music on the internet became a thing and I've always had headphones for music and a book in front of my face. I would say those are the two things that have really been practices for me.
As well as writing. I just mentioned I like to listen to instrumental when I'm writing and I'm not a journaler. I would like to be, I know that there are so many benefits to journaling. But typically I write when I'm inspired to write. I write poetry, I write non-fiction. I've been dabbling in fiction, so maybe I'll write a novel one day. But I am very much a I would say creative person. I can be very analytical and detail oriented, but when it comes to those things that really help me be me, they tend to be those very creative things.
Cindy Thompson: I wanted to dive a little bit more into the writing. What has that brought you as a human being? I'm curious because obviously you're loving it.
Taryn Nergaard: Yeah. There's something about writing that I think connects me with common humanity. Whether that's fiction or nonfiction, there's something about uncovering these truths about human nature, about belonging, about just people. Maybe that helps me just feel a little more connected in the world. If I'm just living my life in my own head, I feel fairly disconnected from the larger world. Whereas writing, and then particularly sharing my writing, that's a way that I can connect with the world. Whether I hear from readers or not. It's lovely when you do, but just the act of writing something and putting it out there, I feel like builds a bridge and allows me to feel like I have a place in the conversation.
Cindy Thompson: Hmm. I think your newsletter, I feel like it's a journal entry. It's like you're sharing a piece of you and letting people learn more. Some really vulnerable parts at times, which I admire. Not everybody's ready to put that out there to the world, I'm imagining the courage that's taken and what that's brought you. What I can hear is a sense of dialing into and feeling maybe heard and helping people understand you better?
Taryn Nergaard: Absolutely. I think it's common for those of us who are autistic to maybe struggle with speech. I can speak, it takes a lot of effort for me. It's not my go-to form of communication. My closest relationships are forged through text and sending memes and gifs and all of that. If I could build a relationship based solely on that, and I have, with some of my friends, that is really where I feel safest.
Speaking face-to-face with someone, I have to feel pretty safe with that person to begin with. Whereas writing feels safer. You talk about having courage to be vulnerable, it actually doesn't take me much courage to write in a vulnerable way. It takes me way more courage to speak that. Writing allows me, like you said, to feel heard and understood.
When actually speaking has caused me a lot of pain because when I speak I'm often misunderstood. I'm often not heard. Being interrupted because I take sometimes a long time to get to the point or to speak what I wanna speak. Being interrupted completely derails me. I have a very hard time getting back on the track to continue my thought. That actually injures me in some way. I think a lot of people find interrupting rude. Other people love it because there's this energy of back and forth. But that's really difficult for me because speech is so difficult for me.
Whereas writing, I can't be interrupted. I can be deliberate and I can take my time and I can find the words that I really wanna use. I can capture what it is that I'm really feeling or I'm really thinking about the world or about my experience. Whereas speech for me just almost can never have that same depth and that intentionality behind it. Writing for me is really a lifeline when I'm trying to be understood or heard or build a connection with someone.
Cindy Thompson: Hmm. You're speaking to the value of connection and community in any way we can to feel like we are seen. I can appreciate in what you've been describing, Taryn, that when you don't have to worry about eye contact, or looking at that person, or reading their face, because I can hear how much energy that takes for you, when you can get rid of all that and just dial into, "What am I feeling? What do I wanna say?" in your writing. It sounds very much like a practice that helps you access what is going on for you inside, and to help you understand you too.
Taryn Nergaard: Absolutely. Helps me understand myself and gives me more energy to connect with the other person. Some of my closest friends in the past will know in a group setting or in a conversation when I've checked out. Taryn's done. I don't know what I look like. My closest friends and my husband do. They know that I'm no longer there. My body's there, Taryn's gone.
Whereas when it's written, I feel like I can really focus in on the other person and ask them questions and draw things out and really get to know who that person is. Because that does take energy. It takes energy to really get to know the deeper heart of someone.
Whereas, say a coffee shop, navigate all of the noises in this coffee shop. When I'm absorbing all of that and I'm straining to hear the person and then I'm straining to understand them on top of all this other noise, most of my energy is going to just trying to understand the actual words and I don't get to that deeper heart of the person. For me, that's something I really love, is getting to like the good stuff.
And I feel like that's something that can happen more for me in a written space because I don't have to take so much energy to navigate and filter out the world around me. I get to just be sort of heart to heart with another person.
Cindy Thompson: Love that. Love it. Taryn, you have been sharing several resilience practices here with us today. Is there anything we missed that you feel is an important one to add to the list?
Taryn Nergaard: Boundaries can get a bad wrap. But for me, being able to know what I need, and communicate that. I think there's something really beautiful when you can be safe enough in a relationship to communicate that. In my marriage and in my home life, I do have that safe space.
To know, I need my work. Work for me is actually one of my resilience practices. It's something I love, I enjoy, I need that time for myself. I homeschool the kids in the morning and I work in the afternoons. And that balance works for me and my kids are independent and they understand that.
That's just one example of, you know, a boundary that I set in my life, but, It's understanding what I need, what my life needs to look like, so that I'm the best version of myself, for myself, and for other people. Being able to communicate that without guilt and shame but understanding that we all deserve to feel safe and we all deserve to thrive.
It's something that I still have to practice and it still takes effort. But for me, yeah, setting those boundaries and communicating my needs absolutely has done so many wonderful things.
Cindy Thompson: I'm glad we got to that one, because that sounds important just in terms of knowing that we can take care of ourselves and set limits and set boundaries and communicate well what we need, which will help us through a lot of things, and what a great practice to have in place. So I'm glad you have that.
Taryn, thank you so much for being here and sharing your story in service to people as they learn about themselves. If we can help people feel more understood, then our job will have been done today.
Taryn Nergaard: Absolutely.
Cindy Thompson: Thank you for being here with me.
Taryn Nergaard: Thank you for having me.
Cindy Thompson: My pleasure.
Cindy Thompson: Before capturing some of the highlights and reflections from this episode, I want to remind you of the upcoming Masterclass I am offering this fall. If you have been white-knuckling it through life and vaguely remember what it felt like to thrive, I would love to see you join this class. Here is a hint; you feel exhausted most days, easily overwhelmed by one more challenge in your day; you may even feel isolated and alone in your community and unsure how to reach out. If you answered yes to any of these measures, it is time to build on your resilience practices. Check out A Resilience Project Website or the link in the show notes for the dates coming up this fall.
I look forward to seeing you there.
As I reflected on this great conversation with Taryn, I couldn't help thinking about how cool it is that we can continue learning about ourselves at any age! To stay curious and explore why we might do things a certain way or understand why we might struggle in certain aspects of our life. It can be so refreshing to see things through another lens.
In her early development, Taryn naturally found a way to adapt to some really challenging experiences. She did her best to fit in; she was keenly observing how to navigate a world that didn't feel safe. Despite some of the trauma she experienced as a child, Taryn reminds us that our brains and bodies are set up to adapt. The ability to learn and mould to what is needed helps us to stay safe and survive.
There is so much yet to be discovered in the mental health field, and neurodivergence has opened the door for us to understand even more about the diverse ways in which our brains can be wired. There is no right or wrong way. As Taryn suggested, "When we don't have the knowledge, we automatically think we are the problem." Knowledge is power.
Taryn has had a strong desire for deep connection in relationships. We all need to feel seen, heard and understood. And yet, how our brains are wired can interfere with the ability to build healthy relationships. In learning more about her Neurodiversity, she has overcome some relational barriers.
Here are some of the additional highlights Taryn gifted us with in this conversation:
- It’s ok to be you; everyone has gifts and challenges. When you look through the lens of knowing (as in a diagnosis), you can have more compassion for yourself.
- There is great value in sharing our stories. No longer hiding what you feel but sharing it and allowing someone to hold space for you. Your stories help your community understand you even better.
- Comparison is the thief of joy. Your life does not have to look like anyone else’s.
- Be careful of expectations. When you celebrate who you are and focus on your lane, you no longer compare yourself with anyone else.
- Boundaries: set healthy boundaries for yourself and communicate them well. Don’t expect people to read your mind. People in your life may not always understand your boundaries, but you can see that they respect them. As Brene Brown says…”Clear is Kind."
Taryn relies on several resilience practices that fill her cup and support her need for connection. I encourage you to check out her website and newsletter. The link to her website will be in the show notes.
Taryn relies on several resilience practices that help fill her cup and support her need for connection. I encourage you to check out her website and newsletter. The link to her website will be in the show notes.
Chances are you know of someone who is neurodivergent. My hope is that you will be open to learn from one another, ask questions and stay curious. We are all looking for connection.
Because community, inclusion and a sense of belonging are important aspects of our resilience tools, I wanted to share a quote from Audre Lorde “It is not our differences that divide us. It is our inability to recognize, accept and celebrate our differences”.
With this in mind, as you go about your week, I invite you to find someone who may look, think and perhaps even act very different than you. Start up a conversation and ask them some questions that might help you see the world through their lens for a minute. Go into the conversation with curiosity and see if you might discover something new.
This is our last episode for a few weeks as we give our team a break over the summer. We will be back in September with so many inspiring guests and stories to share with you.
And Remember friends, adversity is inevitable while resilience is a practice.
Cindy Thompson: Thank you for listening to this episode of ‘A Resilience Project.’ We would not be doing this podcast without you. If you or someone you know has an inspirational story or is helping to build resilience in their community, please e-mail me at cindy@aresilienceproject.com. In fact, e-mail me either way. I would love to hear from you. My hope is to feature an episode periodically on your letters of resilience. I'm very interested in hearing your story of how you have tackled hard things and what worked for you. With your permission, I hope to share some of these stories along the way with our listeners. Also, check out my website, aresilienceproject.com to learn more about our amazing guests.
Your presence here is important because together we are cultivating a village of resilient individuals. You are creating a space for their stories to be shared and a sacred space for learning to occur. I also have a favor - I would love for you to go to your preferred podcast platform, rate and review the podcast so that we will know how we're doing. I also would like to express my gratitude to the amazing team of volunteers that have jumped on board to support this project. You will find each of those beautiful people on my website on the team page.
As you go about this week, I invite you to think about one way that you can continue to grow your resilient muscle. What is one thing you can start with today? See you next week.
HELPFUL RESILIENCE INFORMATION
Definition of Resilience
Capacity to cope with and recover quickly from setbacks, difficulties, and toughness; to adapt well to change; and keep going in the face of adversity.
Types of Resilience - how the body deals with change and recovers from physical demands, illnesses, and injuries.
Physical Resilience how the body deals with change and recovers from physical demands, illnesses and injuries.
Mental Resilience ability to adapt to change and uncertainty.
Emotional Resilience ability to regulate emotions during times of stress.
Social Resilience community resilience – ability of groups to recover from difficult situations.
Areas of Life or Situations That Require A High Level of Resilience:
· Resilience in Adoption
· Resilience in Adults
· Resilience in Anxiety - Depression
· Resilience in Body Image – Eating Disorders
· Resilience in Change
· Resilience in Children
· Resilience in Chronic Illness
· Resilience in Death & Dying
· Resilience in Divorce
· Resilience in Immigration
· Resilience in Non-Profits
· Resilience in Marriage
· Resilience in Parenting
· Resilience in Post Secondary Education
· Resilience in Pregnancy
· Resilience in Racism
· Resilience in Relationships
· Resilience in Suicide
· Resilience in Teens
· Resilience in Trauma
· Resilience in War
· Resilience in the Workplace
Traits, Qualities and Characteristics That People with Resilience Possess:
· They are authentic
· They adapt to change and see it not as a challenge, but an opportunity
· They make commitments and keeps them
· They feel in control – strong internal locus of control
· They have close and secure attachment to others
· They set personal or collective goals
· They become stronger with the effect of stress
· They learn from past successes and mistakes
· They view themselves as survivors – Survivor mentality
· They have a good self-image
· They are confidence in ability to make good decisions
· They have a sense of humor
· They have an action-oriented approach to life
· They have patience around people
· They have optimism in face of uncertainty
· The have Faith or some belief in a higher power
Ways to build Resilience in People
· Create more purpose and meaning in all that you do
· Develop a good support system – supportive network circle that they can engage for help
· Maintaining positive relationships
· Work towards developing good communication skills.
· Develop the capacity to make realistic plans and to carry them out
· Maintain a well-balanced routine lifestyle of diet and exercise
· Practice emotional regulation to manage your feelings, impulses and emotions
· Practice good problem-solving skills to rationally develop solutions
· Find ways to help others
· Set time aside for journaling
· Develop new skills to respond differently to situations. ...
· Turn setbacks into opportunities for growth. ...
· Maintain a healthy perspective. ...
· Maintain Proper sleeping habits
· Practice meditation
Organizations that promote and support Resilience
Resilience Quotes