87: Raycine Spence - Falling Apart So We Can Fall Together

What does it take to heal a broken body and a broken heart at the same time?

Raycine Spence has learned first-hand that life as we know it can fall apart and become unrecognizable.  Life can push us to the point where we feel we might break.  When we feel broken, what does it take to put things back together?  Sometimes this is where we discover our strengths and identify who is there to support us. 

Facing the loss of her teenage daughter while overcoming her own severe physical injuries Raycine could not have imagined additional life changes were right around the corner.

In this remarkable conversation we are unpacking why connection is important, trusting our instincts and looking to our values as a guide.   Raycine gives us a peak into some of the darkest moments and where she found inspiration to move forward. 

Join us as we look at the reality of those life-changing moments, and what it takes to put the pieces together again, knowing the picture will never be the same. 

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Transcript

Cindy Thompson - A Resilience Project Podcast

Building Resilience Among Humans One Conversation At A Time

EP87:  Raycine Spence - Falling Apart So We Can Fall Together

 Cindy Thompson: Hello, friends. I am Cindy Thompson, and this is ‘A Resilience Project.’ This is a space where stories are shared and possibilities are discovered. I invite you to partner with me in cultivating resilience among humans, one conversation at a time.

Cindy Thompson:

Hi everyone, before we dive into this powerful conversation, I want to mention my upcoming masterclass starting May 10th for 4 weeks.  Each week we are going to take a deep dive into one of the 4 evidence-based resilience practices that you are going to want to have in your skill set.  Go to our website in the show notes for more information!  I hope to see you there for level 1!

 Here is a question for you…

What does it take to heal a broken body and a broken heart at the same time? 

 My guest this week has learned that life as we know it can fall apart and become unrecognizable.  Raycine Spence has faced the sudden loss of a child, suffered severe physical injuries, and the ending of a marriage all within a short time.

Raycine Spence would suggest she was in a season of life where everything seemed to be falling into place.  All was well in the world in her marriage, two amazing teenage daughters, and she was beginning to imagine next stages of life.  It just takes a moment.  A moment in time when everything as we know it becomes unrecognizable.  Travelling with her daughter Lauren and her mother to a dance competition, Raycine Spence could not have anticipated how her life would change in the blink of an eye.  

 In my conversation with Raycine we are looking at the reality of those life-changing moments, and what it takes to put the pieces together again, knowing the picture will never be the same.  

Here is my conversation with Raycine…

Cindy Thompson: Raycine, thank you so much for being here on "A Resilience Project" with me .

Raycine Spence: Oh, you're welcome.

Cindy Thompson: I've been really thinking about this conversation we're going to have today, and it's an important conversation. As I anticipate what might come out, I just really found myself thinking about how a moment in time can change the trajectory of our lives forever.

Raycine Spence: Completely and unexpected and there's no way you could prepare for.

Cindy Thompson: It just reminds us that nothing is forever, that we don't know what we have right now. Things can change. We might experience a loss. And to really remember how important the people in our lives are. We're going to be talking about your daughter, Lauren, about your family's story. I wonder if you would tell me a bit about life before 2017.

Raycine Spence: Now looking back, I would say it was idyllic. I'm not saying there weren't struggles and there weren't typical family stuff, but I had a loving husband. I had two great girls. I had a support structure. I had close family from both sides.

 Most of the family all lived in Saskatchewan in different parts, but we all lived it there. My kids were born in Yellowknife and we'd lived there for about 10 years before moving back to Saskatchewan, where both my ex and I grew up. We wanted the kids to know their aunts and uncles and grandmothers and their cousins.

 It was tough to move, but it was also a fantastic experience to move to be close to them. I was a stay-at-home mom for the the kids before they went to school, so got extra time with them there. We did have struggles with Lauren cuz she had ADHD. It's actually how me being on your podcast came to be because one of your volunteers, Emily, was Lauren's tutor. So it was great. 

You used a quote in your first episode of this season and it actually just totally rocked my world. It was the one that said, " She looked at her old life one last time and whispered, I will never see you again." Before 2017, I thought my kids were in high school, life was great, I had to dance school. I had all this stuff, looking forward to what retirement would be, looking forward to what my kids' futures were gonna be. Life just seemed so simple in the grand scheme of things. I was very blessed. Looking back at it, I was so blessed with friends, family, everything.

Cindy Thompson: I really appreciate your sharing that, Reycine, ' cuz we have the best laid plans and having those times of gratitude when we're in that busy season of life.

 Can you walk us through that fateful night where you were driving to a dance event with your mom and Lauren. 

Raycine Spence: On June 9th, 2017 Lauren had an Irish dance competition in Calgary. It was also my mom's birthday weekend. I had invited my mom and said, "Okay, let's make it like a girls' weekend and have dance during the day and then go out for supper and celebrate your birthday in the evening." 

 It was originally supposed to be the four of us, cuz it was supposed to be both my daughters. That morning, don't know what made me do it, but I said, "Maybe you should stay at school." And so my youngest didn't get in the car. Thank goodness. 

Cindy Thompson: That's Katie. 

Raycine Spence: Yeah, that's my best moment of clarity.

 Thank goodness for that moment. We drove to Calgary. It was a normal drive. There were really cool clouds in the sky, but nothing that would've worried you. 

 Outside of Calgary, a freak hailstorm happened and I lost control of the car. We spun. I don't remember anything other than losing control. They think I probably hit my head on the window and were hit by an oncoming car. Lauren was killed instantly. Thank goodness for that, that it wasn't prolonged. Both mom and I were seriously injured.

 She was actually rescued by Star Air's ambulance and I went by ambulance. Yeah, it was chaos. 

Cindy Thompson: To me that's a remarkable part to the story because your injuries were quite extensive. 

Raycine Spence: The weirdest thing is all my injuries were on the right side of my body and all my mom's injuries were on the left. Mom's big thing was she had a cut in her head and they didn't know how serious it was cuz of the bleeding, which is why she went by helicopter.

 They actually thought my spine was injured. Luckily, it wasn't. But that's why I was put in an ambulance and rushed in. I wasn't conscious and she was. It was pretty severe.

Cindy Thompson: I'm imagining in those initial moments or hours, there's so much chaos and it's just a matter of getting evacuated from that scene into hospital. At what point did you realize that Lauren had passed?

Raycine Spence: With my injuries and the concussion, I kept coming in and out of consciousness. I would ask where Lauren was. Mom was in the bed beside me. So I knew she was there, but they wouldn't tell me where Lauren was. I'm not sure how long before I actually knew. I just remember waking up at one point, someone putting a phone beside my face cuz I had a neck brace on and saying, it's your husband. Let him know your daughter's passed away.

I don't know if I'd been told that already and multiple times it could have been with me coming in and out of consciousness. But that's the memory, is me having to tell my husband. I have to say I didn't think it was fair and came back to haunt me. That was an unfortunate thing how that was handled. 

Cindy Thompson: I agree.

Raycine Spence: I couldn't even process my pain and what I was even hearing and I having to tell him who's hundreds of miles away. Me being the one to tell him was probably not the best thing for our relationship. 

Cindy Thompson: I can't imagine that you also are still in an injured state, have had a head injury and even just trying to process it yourself. There's nothing normal about the circumstance anyway. 

Raycine Spence: It's a full circle thing because I also found out I was pregnant with her in the same kind of manner in an ER. Now looking back at it, it was like two bookends on Lauren's life that they weren't great moments, but they're so embedded in my head that I'll never forget.

Cindy Thompson: Can you tell me more about that first end of the bookend?

Raycine Spence: My ex and I had been trying to have a child and I didn't think I was pregnant, had no idea. I went into the hospital having massive stomach pains and they wouldn't go away, and I couldn't figure it out because there was nothing wrong with me that I could figure out.

 I went in and did the basic blood pressure and all that kind of stuff, and peed in the cup and all the lovely stuff you do when you go into an emergency room. Then when the doctor finally came into my room, he talked about you need an ultrasound.

 Oh my gosh, what's wrong? And something about pregnancy, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. And I went, "What?" and he goes, " You are pregnant, aren't you?" Am I? He walked just outside the door or outside the curtain and yelled over to the nurse's station, "This is the pregnant one, isn't it?" 

Cindy Thompson: Wow.

Raycine Spence: One of the nurses said, "Yes, but she hadn't been informed yet. I guess congratulations are in order." It was so funny, but so weird. I just wasn't at all expecting it. 

Cindy Thompson: Your husband wasn't with you. 

Raycine Spence: He was away. So yeah both moments, unfortunately he was not there for the chaos.

Cindy Thompson: I appreciate just the unique elements that are part of Lauren's story, part of your story. You are seriously injured. You had to relearn to walk, but you're also trying to comprehend the loss of your daughter. Tell us about that phase.

Raycine Spence: I don't think I could even think about it in the first days. Everybody was coming to the hospital because it was a dance competition. We had dance parents coming, all the family flew in from all over the country. The support was overwhelming. But I was also in so much pain that I was trying to be pleasant and upbeat for people that would come in . I wanted them to be sad about Lauren. I was worried about mom and I was worried about everybody else, including my younger daughter and everybody else's feelings. For me it was just get through the pain. I broke my pelvis and I guess with these kinds of injuries, they don't like you laying for long anymore, so they get you walking as fast as you possibly can, which I thought was incredibly unfair cuz it's excruciating and you're trying to walk with a walker and trying to even learn how to move your body again. Trying to cope with pain and I don't think I let myself feel about Lauren at that time. Plus I didn't want anyone to see me deal with it. Mom and I were in the same room and I didn't wanna cause her pain.

Cindy Thompson: You were looking after others.

Raycine Spence: Yeah. Which is typical of a mom. That's what moms do, yeah. It was about everybody else versus me. 

Cindy Thompson: Mm-hmm. 

Raycine Spence: And for me, it was just about healing and getting better physically as fast as I possibly could.

Cindy Thompson: Gosh, so much for your brain and your body to be able to comprehend at one time, there was just an enormous amount of processing that would've been happening at some level there. What I know about grief is when it's interfered and you have to take care of others or you were healing yourself, it can delay our grief response.

 I'm curious what you noticed there, if it came much later.

Raycine Spence: It probably did happen in the hospital because I was on meds for the pain. My goal going home was to not take the pain meds, collect them all so that I could stop feeling pain forever and I could go be with Lauren. So, I think there was grief in that way that I need to be with her. I need to take care of her. 

Luckily, I'm totally an overthinker. I'm in my head constantly. From that point of having this collection of pills to end my life, I started to think, okay, now if I were to do that, what's the consequences of that for my world? Not for me. Cuz I would be with Lauren and I would be fine in what I believe in my faith, but what happens to my ex? What happens to my mom? What's happens to my daughter? What happens to all those other people? And what's the consequence of me ending my life? Because of that I think I processed my grief far faster than I might have otherwise. I was thinking, what's all these people? What's their consequences? And how does my being with Lauren help everybody? I had to come to terms with, okay, that's not going to work. That's not going to be how this pain ends.

If that's not the quick end to this pain, what is the end to this pain? The realization is there is no end. Grief doesn't end, it just changes. My benefit was that I had a support structure, which I didn't necessarily realize I had. Certain people would be there for me, but the people that actually came out to support me were far greater than I would've ever expected. I was also smart enough that if I needed help, I went and asked for it.

Cindy Thompson: I'm so glad.

Raycine Spence: Part of being injured is that you have to do physio. With the physio, I also had to go see a counselor. They had to say, are you capable of going to the next step? Where are you emotionally in this process? I had never been to counseling. I didn't know what it would be like. 

She asked hard questions and I went into it thinking I'm going to be completely a hundred percent honest. Because if you're not honest, how is she going to help me if I only give her half truths? She's only gonna be able to help me halfway. 

One of the questions she asked, which I thought was super interesting was, “Who are you mad at?” “I'm not mad at anyone.” “You should be mad. Your daughter's dead.” I was so stunned at her response because she responded exactly how I did. When someone would ask about what Lauren, " She's dead." People would be so caught off guard. That's what she is. There's no, “She's passed away.” There's no sugar coating it, so why would I? 

When she said this in the same language that I was saying, it was like, wow. She gave me a whole list. I was shocked at how many people she thought I could be mad at. Then I gave her every reason why I wasn't. And she was completely shocked that I had done all this work on my own. I just went - isn't it common sense? She said not for most people. We ended the conversation, " I feel you don't have to come back and see me, but if you would like to, my door is always open," and so I did. I think talking through more feelings will get me to a better place.

 I didn't understand why I wasn't crying in front of people. I went back to work, but a month and a half after the accident. It was really soon, and from some people, I got the impression that I didn't care. My response to grief was so radically different than what everybody expected it to be, that there was obviously something wrong with me. I saw what other parents did with grief. Oh, so you expected me to fall apart and be a puddle in my bedroom for months?

That's not who I am. I'm happy that's how someone else will deal with it, but everybody deals with grief differently and I felt like overthinking hindered me in some ways, but it also helped in the long run as to where I am now.

Cindy Thompson: Good point. Can I just circle back for a moment because I really want to honor, gosh even though you just walked us through a very practical kind of way that you processed Lauren's passing and to know that you now would be living without her forever.

Raycine Spence: Yep.

Cindy Thompson: Your desperation of the suicide thoughts were real and more underground. People weren't seeing you fall apart, but there was a lot going on under the surface and you were very private about it. I want to identify that when we're so private about it, for those that don't think like you, that can be a desperate act of wanting to end the pain like you suggested. I just wanted to honor that and I, too, am very grateful that you have that ability to walk yourself through it and problem solve and think about what your purpose was still, and that was still taking care of others. It gave you meaning still. 

Raycine Spence: Yeah I don't think anyone realized. I'm sure if people that I know listen to this will be shocked to hear that that's what I was contemplating. I think people will understand why I was contemplating it because I've had so many people say, I can't imagine not having my child. Yeah, none of us can imagine it till it happens and you have to live it every day. It's good that most people don't understand what that feels like. People reached out and I had friends that would show up and say, let's go for coffee and just talk about Lauren. I think probably my biggest message to people is with the loss of a child, people avoid you and people avoid talking about your child because they think it'll bring you pain, but that pain is there. That pain's not going away. It's just gonna sit in the background and it's gonna bubble less.

 Even now, five years later, Lauren's birthday's coming and I'm dreading her birthday coming. I know it's going to. There's nothing I need to do to stop it. So you just gotta get through it. In some ways I make her birthday a huge celebration online. But other ways my grief is still my grief. It's not everybody else's cuz everybody is dealing with the loss of Lauren differently. 

I would have people that would show up and say, let's go for coffee, and then they would talk about Lauren and tell stories. Most parents, I would say, their biggest fear when their child dies is the child will be forgotten by the world. So, hearing Lauren's name, hearing stories, there are times where a friend of hers will come over and talk about Lauren and I'd be like holding back tears. It was like a story I'd never heard about her and it would be so meaningful. It's also the best thing I would've ever heard because it was about her and this other person remembered her in such an amazing way. 

I think people need to know that it's okay to talk about someone's child that's passed. One of the other things I did was join Compassionate Friends. It's for people that have lost a child, it can be an adult child. We've all lost a child, so we all get it. That's one of the big things we talk about is the platitudes don't always work. We'd rather have you be honest with us, even if it's just you don't know what to say, just gimme a hug. I have one dance mom that I didn't know very well, but we were at a hotel for dance competition after Lauren had passed. " I don't know you, but I feel I need to do this," and all she did was gimme a really long hug. She didn't know Lauren very well, but she just needed to express herself and show me sympathy and empathy. The one that always got me was when people would say to me, oh, she's in a better place. No. That's never what you should say to a parent. No, nope. 

Cindy Thompson: They don't know what to say.

Raycine Spence: They don't know what to say and you've been trained through your life to say certain things, but think the thought through and how the parent's going to feel when you say it. I think just being there is far better than having something to say.

Cindy Thompson: I really appreciate you drawing that out because often I hear from people who have gone through a loss that they don't want to burden their friends. They may not bring up their sadness, they may not want people to see that they are still really struggling. They might go to counseling, go see someone professionally so that they don't burden their friends.

 I can hear the gift in that, from a friend, to just create space to sit and talk as much about Lauren as necessary. I can hear so many wins in that for you but also for the friend to have a way to help.

Raycine Spence: Yeah, for sure. That's my biggest thing. If you have a story, share it. Don't hold it in. If it helps you, it will help me. There's no avoiding the pain cuz it's there. Why not make the best out of the pain? Do the things that you need to do for yourself to find joy again.

 As a parent who's lost a child, am I allowed to ever feel joy again because my child can never feel joy again? I don't remember where it was, but I remember laughing for the first time and feeling absolute guilt over it and then thinking, no Lauren would've found whatever it was funny, so she would appreciate me laughing.

Cindy Thompson: Mmmm.

Raycine Spence: I also took this stance that with every decision I made about my life going forward, I'm gonna think what would my kids think? And would this decision make my kids proud?. I never think of Katie as being my only kid. I always think of Lauren and Katie, and would they be proud?

 Going forward, that's how all my decision making has been. I've tried to honor them and tried to respect the relationship I had with both of them and have with both of them. They're just different relationships now because one is here and one is not. I'll still talk to Lauren. She probably talks to me as much as she did when she was 16.

Cindy Thompson: Tell me about that.

Raycine Spence: Well, teenagers tend not to talk to your parents very much so I just kinda go, okay, I'm gonna talk to her. She doesn't talk back. Fine, whatever. It's that same mentality. The other thing I've had so many people say to me is the old saying, pennies from heaven, where you find a penny, that's a message from your loved one from heaven. You don't find pennies anymore cuz they're really hard finds so we've moved up to dimes.

 My dance school's symbol was a butterfly. When Lauren passed away, we had family friends that said, that all next summer, this yellow butterfly kept following them around and her kids kept saying that's Lauren following us around watching what we're doing. She used to babysit those kids so it was really sweet. Then I started to notice when the butterflies would appear. 

My physio had me set goals early on. So I had set three goals, one for myself, one for Katie, and one for my husband at the time, and it was to do a hike with him. To run a 5K race with Katie, cuz we'd done the Color Me Rad Races where they throw color at you. They were really fun. So I said I wanna do that. Then I wanted to dance competitively in Highland again, for me. Were my goals going into it and I'll let everybody know that I've actually hit them.

I didn't do well at the dance competition, but I danced, so that was good. And I've now run a half marathon. I've done two 5ks with Katie, although she beat me both times. You've gotta set goals and make those little steps as you're going, because with every step it gets better. With every joy gets better. When I was training for the 5k, which I thought I would never actually do cuz it hurt so bad to walk to begin with. I would be out walking or trying to run. When I was really discouraged and I would be at the point of giving up, all of a sudden a butterfly would appear.

Cindy Thompson: Wow.

Raycine Spence: I'd be like, huh, hi Lauren. How's it going? I would keep going. To this day they just appear for no reason. Being nervous about this podcast, yesterday I went shopping and I walked in and Lauren's favorite color was purple. I walked over to this rack and I looked and there was a purple butterfly parrot earrings. And I went, oh, okay. So I bought the pair of earrings. Those moments where I'm like anxious, nervous, when I was studying for tests, when I was training, the butterfly would appear. I have no idea why or how. And if it's not her, it's not her, but for me it's her. So that's good enough for me.

 It's those little things that keep you going, that keep you moving one step ahead of the other that get you through. One of the other quotes that I love now was actually by Marilyn Monroe and it said, " Sometimes good things fall apart so that better things can fall together." This is not the life I ever imagined, but because of Lauren's life and her passing I've been able to get this life. I'd still rather her be here, but I appreciate what I've been given now.

Cindy Thompson: Mm-hmm. 

 Often we do hear that it's after the fact, after some healing has occurred, that we can see some silver linings. We can see some blessings that have come along the way. Not that you'd ever want to lose a child in order to discover those blessings, but that helps us emotionally in being able to find healing, to find goodness back in the world after such a significant loss. I do appreciate your bringing that out because I think that gives people hope.

Raycine, you just graduated with a background in engineering.

Raycine Spence: I just finished an engineering design diploma. In 2022 I graduated. I graduated college seven months after my daughter, my youngest graduated her college. It was funny. We graduated technically the same school year, so that was cool.

 That actually was always my plan in life. That was the one thing that through all of this was to go back to school as soon as my youngest graduated high school. That's exactly what I did. I moved to a new city I'd never been to, I moved to a new province, started school during a pandemic and graduated top two of my class. 

Cindy Thompson: I can hear your very practical part of your brain, and like you said early on in our conversation, we're all different in how we process our grief. I hear that very methodical way that you walk yourself through things, almost like designing something, like drafting something.

 As I listen, I can totally hear those strengths in you and what a gift that is. Even though you walked yourself through it, and I'm so grateful you did, at that moment where you were hoarding the pain pills, and you were in hospital, I'm wondering what you would say to that lady now looking back and knowing how things have transpired since.

Raycine Spence: Ooh, that's rough. The world I knew changed so drastically in such a little time, and I don't know if I could have said anything to her that she would've listened to. I don't actually think she would believe that it would get better, that your family would be completely exploded apart within the next year, and that you would have to deal with compounded grief.

 I think trying to reassure her that Katie would be okay. That. She would be okay in the end would've been like what I would've wanted to say and I would've wanted to say, don't give up. There's so much more to life that if you give up you miss out on all that can be. Even though the world is completely different, it's so good in so many ways. Who would've expected there'd be a pandemic? In the five years since Lauren passed away, so much has happened in the whole world and in my life that it's mind boggling that it's so completely different. I would tell her not to hoard the pills. That would be number one.

Cindy Thompson: Yes.

Raycine Spence: I still have that bottle as a reminder that never get that bad again. Ask for the help. I would say don't keep quiet.

Cindy Thompson: Oh, that's powerful.

Raycine Spence: I'd never thought about that before, but don't be quiet. I'm not quiet anymore in my life by any means. I speak out. I'm one of those people that think the world can be better, so why not try and improve it and improve yourself every day.

 I don't think you should sugarcoat anything. On social media, I don't use filters. If I wake up with messy hair, then that picture might show up. I want people to see me for who I truly am, not who I want you to think I am. When I was going through all the pain, I posted about the grief. I posted about the poems that talked about losing your child and missing your child and what it felt like. I never shied away from sharing the grief in those kind of ways. 

Once I got past the initial pain then my sort of stance was people need to know what this pain is, not cuz I wanted sympathy, not cuz I wanted anything from anyone, just to teach people what it was like and how to cope. 

One of the things I decided, after going through everything, was that I needed to get out of this cycle of sadness and being grouchy. I wasn't mad, but I was just grouchier than I should have been. I started pushing people good morning on Facebook and Instagram because the things I was seeing come across my Instagram feed was negative stuff. I finally went, why? Why do I have to see that? If I see that, then that's how I'm gonna be first thing in the morning. I was so lonely at times in the mornings when Lauren's not in the room across the hall anymore that if I'm this sad in the morning and feeling this lonely, how many other people feel that way? I started wishing people good morning on social media, and it totally changed my perspective on how I felt about myself, the world. The world's still a positive place.

 On Lauren's birthday and Lauren's death anniversary, we do cupcakes for Lauren because Lauren wanted to be a cupcake baker. I have people post pictures of cupcakes and it shows me how many people remember her. It was that June during the pandemic that I also got a text from one of the dance moms saying, you should come out to your driveway.

Over the day, the dancers had shown up at different times so they could social distance and they'd written messages and colored my whole driveway with messages to Lauren.

 That's exactly it. That's positivity. That's bringing color into the world. That's what I want Lauren to be, shining, bright, colored, light, butterflies, joy. I don't want her death to be painful for everybody.

Cindy Thompson: How beautiful. I can hear that probably brought them something, but also a big gift to you.

 Raycine , I think there's so many gifts here that you've been sharing with us along the way, and I wanted to bridge for the listeners that shortly after Lauren passed away, you and your husband separated. 

Raycine Spence: Just past the anniversary of Lauren's death my husband announced he was leaving. There was someone else involved and he dealt with his pain in a way that I wouldn't agree with, but that was his journey and it meant compounded grief for me and my daughter. But life is better now. I'd never heard the term compounded grief before that. I just thought the world was as bad as it could get and then it got worse.

Cindy Thompson: Yeah, which is remarkable. I wouldn't wish that for anybody, but I know that a lot of marriages might struggle after the loss of a loved one. I wanted the listeners to hear that's another piece of your story that made it even harder within just over a year of Lauren passing away.

Raycine Spence: Yeah. It made things more complicated and I would say now looking at it, one of the biggest losses when he left, the biggest regret now is that I can't bring up a story of Lauren's early years and have someone else that'll remember the moment. That's the biggest loss with that

Cindy Thompson: Yeah, I hear that.

Raycine Spence: is not .Having that aspect of Lauren anymore.

Cindy Thompson: Yeah. He shares those memories with you that you no longer can talk about together. I really respect that and appreciate your sharing that piece of it. That's another element of loss for you. 

Raycine, you've been sharing with us all the way through this conversation, so many resilience practices, but I wondered if there's anything we've missed that you hope to mention as part of your resilience practice you've come to rely on.

Raycine Spence: The funny thing was, until you contacted me, I would never have thought of myself as resilient.

 My thought process was, I was just doing what I had to do. Isn't that what moms do? That was my thought process. I actually had to look up the definition of resilient and went oh yeah, I guess that is how I got through.

 I would say try and stay positive through whatever awful thing is happening to you because usually you're resilient from something tragic or awful happening to you. Trying to find that little grain of something that brings you joy will mean all the difference in the world. Yeah, I think that's the big one.

That, and don't lose yourself, because I think it's so easy to give yourself up to grief, to give yourself up to whatever, and find easy fixes that aren't helpful that you need to keep yourself, your morals, the things that bring you joy, the things you find important. Those are still important even though your world collapses around you.

Cindy Thompson: That's a beautiful message and a great reminder to those listening who may have gone through something similar or have lost a child, period. Your resilience practices, I think are going to be a toolkit for those that are listening and I really appreciate your vulnerability, your willingness to share your story, your family's story, and particularly Lauren's story with us.

My hope is that this will continue to help Lauren's life live on in a different kind of way . 

Raycine Spence: That would be such a joy for me because now other people know of her. So thank you for allowing me to share more stories of Lauren.

Cindy Thompson: Oh, it's been my pleasure for sure. 

Cindy Thompson:

I want to thank Raycine for sharing such a vulnerable part of her life story with us.  And I am also grateful that YOU as the listener are here to hold space and serve as a “story catcher”.  This is important for each of us as we capture one’s experiences in life.

Within Raycine’s account of her story, healing and time have been working to transform how she is able to process such a tragic loss.  Although Lauren now continues to travel with her in her heart, and in spirit, her legacy and light live on even in this conversation.

There are so many rich insights, It is difficult to narrow down the highlights and resilience practices Raycine has shared with us here.  Here is a selection that resonated with me:

1)    Raycine learned to ask for help:  she joined compassionate friends and sought out counselling.  What I hear in this, is that she found community in the people who could understand and relate to some of the feelings she was experiencing, and in counselling could invest in her grief journey without reflecting off what others needed from her. 

2)    Along these lines, the dance community were all grieving.  In gathering or finding a purpose within this loss, together and found healing in some of the activities they could do such as the cupcake sales.

3)    Raycine also took something that she was feeling like loneliness in the mornings and started to reach out to others. Neuroscience suggests doing something for others is also a resilience practice that can help us step out of our emotions for a moment and find ways to support others.  Reaching out on social media and saying good morning to her community became a gift to herself and others.

4)    Do the things you need to do for yourself so that you can find joy again.

5)    Set goals you can work toward: for example, as Raycine was also recovering from her injuries, she set goals for herself like the 5 k run or dance that she at one time may not have considered possible.  

6)    Don’t lose yourself in the midst of the adversity: look to your values and interests that bring you joy, the things you know are important to you. Even if it feels like your world is collapsing around you.

7)    Finally, don’t give up!  And don’t be quiet.  Speak up, because there is so much more to life, and you don’t want to miss out on all it can be.  

Although we cannot anticipate or predict what we might face today or tomorrow, what if we focused our energy on developing a trust in ourselves?  Would we worry less about what the future might bring?  Would you spend your days any differently than you do now?

Quote:  The meaning of the purple butterfly depicts spiritual transformation; a rebirth from a darker place, the end of one cycle, and the beginning of another.  Purple butterfly energy creates a strong sense of vision, purpose, and a higher destiny.  – Peculiar Brunette

Speaking of butterflies, Raycine’s episode has inspired me to mention our t-shirt fundraiser, which is actually so much more than just t-shirts.  With two designs to choose from, one of our resilience images is a butterfly.  I can’t think of a better mission than to purchase one of the t-shirts from our campaign, maybe even in purple if you wear purple.  This provides an opportunity to honour Lauren’s life while also helping others.  100% of the proceeds are donated to the Love Does non-profit who serve people and communities in need.  We will be sure to post the link in the show notes or you can find further information on our website www.aresilienceproject.com 

Cindy Thompson: Thank you for listening to this episode of ‘A Resilience Project.’ We would not be doing this podcast without you. If you or someone you know has an inspirational story or is helping to build resilience in their community, please e-mail me at cindy@aresilienceproject.com. In fact, e-mail me either way. I would love to hear from you. My hope is to feature an episode periodically on your letters of resilience. I'm very interested in hearing your story of how you have tackled hard things and what worked for you. With your permission, I hope to share some of these stories along the way with our listeners. Also, check out my website, aresilienceproject.com to learn more about our amazing guests.  

Your presence here is important because together we are cultivating a village of resilient individuals. You are creating a space for their stories to be shared and a sacred space for learning to occur. I also have a favor - I would love for you to go to your preferred podcast platform, rate and review the podcast so that we will know how we're doing. I also would like to express my gratitude to the amazing team of volunteers that have jumped on board to support this project. You will find each of those beautiful people on my website on the team page.  

As you go about this week, I invite you to think about one way that you can continue to grow your resilient muscle. What is one thing you can start with today? See you next week.

 HELPFUL RESILIENCE INFORMATION

Definition of Resilience

Capacity to cope with and recover quickly from setbacks, difficulties, and toughness; to adapt well to change; and keep going in the face of adversity.

Types of Resilience - how the body deals with change and recovers from physical demands, illnesses, and injuries. 

Physical Resilience how the body deals with change and recovers from physical demands, illnesses and injuries.  

Mental Resilience ability to adapt to change and uncertainty.  

Emotional Resilience ability to regulate emotions during times of stress. 

Social Resilience community resilience – ability of groups to recover from difficult situations.

Areas of Life or Situations That Require A High Level of Resilience:

·      Resilience in Adoption

·       Resilience in Adults

·       Resilience in Anxiety - Depression

·       Resilience in Body Image – Eating Disorders

·       Resilience in Change

·       Resilience in Children

·       Resilience in Chronic Illness

·       Resilience in Death & Dying

·       Resilience in Divorce

·       Resilience in Immigration

·       Resilience in Non-Profits

·       Resilience in Marriage

·       Resilience in Parenting

·       Resilience in Post Secondary Education

·       Resilience in Pregnancy

·       Resilience in Racism

·       Resilience in Relationships

·       Resilience in Suicide

·       Resilience in Teens

·       Resilience in Trauma 

·       Resilience in War

·       Resilience in the Workplace

 Traits, Qualities and Characteristics That People with Resilience Possess:

·         They are authentic

·         They adapt to change and see it not as a challenge, but an opportunity

·         They make commitments and keeps them

·         They feel in control – strong internal locus of control

·         They have close and secure attachment to others

·         They set personal or collective goals

·         They become stronger with the effect of stress

·         They learn from past successes and mistakes

·         They view themselves as survivors – Survivor mentality

·         They have a good self-image

·         They are confidence in ability to make good decisions

·         They have a sense of humor

·         They have an action-oriented approach to life

·         They have patience around people

·         They have optimism in face of uncertainty

·         The have Faith or some belief in a higher power

Ways to build Resilience in People

·       Create more purpose and meaning in all that you do

·       Develop a good support system – supportive network circle that they can engage for help

·       Maintaining positive relationships

·       Work towards developing good communication skills.

·       Develop the capacity to make realistic plans and to carry them out

·       Maintain a well-balanced routine lifestyle of diet and exercise

·       Practice emotional regulation to manage your feelings, impulses and emotions 

·       Practice good problem-solving skills to rationally develop solutions

·       Find ways to help others

·       Set time aside for journaling

·       Develop new skills to respond differently to situations. ... 

·       Turn setbacks into opportunities for growth. ... 

·       Maintain a healthy perspective. ... 

·       Maintain Proper sleeping habits

·       Practice meditation

Organizations that promote and support Resilience

Resilience Quotes

Resilience Books

Resilience Courses